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The beginning starts now

Not sure on how to start I begin by saying yes. Yes to all fears, yes to understanding, and yes to you. I never can find the words, but you know my heart. I am unsure on how I feel, however you know my destiny. I am yours, I see only you in the end I look for you throughout my day, and the first sign of you is when I open my eyes. How faithful you are. I have been wrong in so many ways. Like a puppy with her tail tucked in, you still love me. Crystal clear when you see my sins. When I ask for forgiveness you restore me. I have been ashamed lately and you have sent an Angel to remind me that you welcome me just as I am. How grateful. I pray and hope that I can reconnect with you like never before, my soul cries out praise him. With my whole heart I ask that you find me guilty of anything that has caused me to stray. I humbly need you in my life as I allow the holy spirit to guide my paths, I asked that my heart listens. I need you Lord. I don’t want a relationship based on fear of dying in the flesh however, I want to rest assure that I know you are king of kings, first and last, beginning and end. You are my father alone and if I truly allow you to do what you do, I will walk into what you already have prepared. You are my joy Lord. Give me you as you always do and I promise more to do more than I have. Struggling to Crystal Clear is not easy, help me with my purpose.

 

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Sheltered

It’s been a minute since I picked up the pen. I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. Life has truly happen, from fairy tales,to true nightmares. I’ve seen it all in these last couple of months. How do you ease the pain of a grieving Beast? You leave her alone allow her to do well in her kingdom . My sunsets are no longer beautiful, but it is the opportunity to the let out my rage. The break of dawn and the eagerness for my cup of coffee in the morning has sail into a pillow toss and a loud moan of reality. Processing through the process is not an easy task and today I’m not in the mood for your fuckin opinions. So with all due respect fall the fuck back. Shit I like dancing with the dinosaurs.

Move…

I want to run in the same direction of the wind. Please don’t stop me, so what if I don’t know my beginning from my end. Where I end up is between me and God. I want to travel to places unknown. To capture my memory overloadinhg this camera with stolen moments. I want to smell the lemons in the middle of June watching the dogs play with butterflies bring a pure smile to my face. Blocking the Sun from my eyes as I try to hide this pain disguised by my shaded glasses…

A Husbands Prayer…

Lord I pray that you protect our marriage from anything that would destroy it…take out of our Lives anyone who what come between us… help us to immediately recognize and resist temptation when it presents itself… sever all Unholy ties in both of our Lives…May there never be any adultery or divorce in our future trying to destroy what you Lord have put together…. help us to never cast aside love when we have a disagreement… I pray that we will turn to you the creator to fix it to get us back in operating order the way you designed… teach us to see each other’s well-being first as you have committed in your words 1st Corinthians 10 and 24 we want to keep you at the center of our marriage United in faith and help us to be Christ-like..teach me to be the husband God you created me to be …show me how to love this woman with all the love of you father…forgive us of our sins and help us to give those who sinned against us in Jesus name amen

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Every time I get close you pull me back in…

Every time I let go you stop me from saying no…

 Why when you are so cold…

Liar, deceitful, Heart full of tainted gold…

Stories untold do I really want to take this vow…

 How can I trust you when you still Living foul…

Swallow my pride and let this shit ride out…

Can’t push forward damn I have too much doubt…

I want out but I’m selfish so I stay in…

 I think I lied when I said I wanted a fresh start…

 The pain never stops it only begins…

 So this is my finally call before I give in…

Broken pieces I thought it was as I look closer it’s shattered…

Seems like I need my boxing gloves, just to see if I matter…

 Loving you is dangerous game straight gamble of the heart…

Constant stains Silent Cries Echo throughout these cold walls….

 Grey and gloomy sticky clouds just fuck it all…

My sheets are heavy with regrets blank stares into the dark Skies…

Misty blue Breeze misses me and I’m fighting alone… 

 

1:08am

Crazy…

  I can’t believe this s*** I just dropped to my knees with the question why… couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. My chest is so heavy right now. I knew you since we were little, innocent, and pure. I watched you bury your best-friend your brother. I saw the hurt in your mother’s eyes. It broke my heart when I found out she died trying to find the beauty that was already created inside. I felt your pain all these years it’s been hurting  you , true definition of existing and not living. As we all tried to comfort you . I tossed and I turned so much last night.  I just  could not sleep. If I would have known in that very second that you were leaving Maybe my prayers would have been stronger a little intense and deep. Some say that time heals all wounds… I’m just trying to find the strength to make it through tonight’s thoughts of you…. Rest Jay….

When?

 

When was the last time you had an in-depth conversation with your partner?

Pause, Reset or Stop….

Pause….. Interrupt action or speech…

I had to put a pause on my relationship why because he was not hearing me. I needed more from him more than just, “okay baby, I understand”. I needed him to feel me. So I emotionally detach myself from the relationship. “Sure we can be friends” Yes I will be supportive, but you cannot l know how I personally feel! You are not worthy of any type of emotion other than, “Okay baby I understand “. Question: Do you really care? Because if you did you would cater to my needs, my sensitivity, listening behind my words finding the emotion behind the things I say. Will you change? So many times we make ourselves emotionally available to our spouses, but they do not do the same in return. Just because the love is there you automatically expect for me to do? Expect for me to be here?  Wrong! For me to love you and provide please that s*** is earned! And unfortunately you will not learn that with your passive-aggressive, tone.

So Pause…What I need from you is understanding. I need you to understand that I love you, but I will be respected.  I know respecting me might not come easy for you, therefore I’ll teach you.  Are you willing to learn? Telling your spouse how you feel without being emotional is the first thing in breaking the communication barrier. Let’s get back to the basic things like, Please and Thank you, May I? Would that be okay with you?

Treat Me Like a Stranger!  Have the same compassion in your tone of voice when you speak to them, have that with me. If I’m the love of your life, the Queen of your heart, treat me as such! We are both adults, not children. Even when speaking to a child you must humble yourself to their level. So why don’t you do the same with me? Speak to me and Not at me!  I will allow myself to be vulnerable with you. Secure me and letting me know its okay. Until then we will remain On Pause!

Reset…To set again or anew

Let’s get back to our purpose. What’s our reason? Why are you attracted to me? Why are you in this? Let’s find out why we are together. What’s your goal in life? Can you live without me? Sometimes we have to get back to love. You know that song by Jaheim? Its simple find the reasons. Asking questions like what’s your favorite color, what makes you happy, what is your fear? Might sound silly but it opens the door to the real questions? Is it all worth it? Are you compatible? By pressing the reset button you find out if this is truly what you need. This is our opportunity to hold no secrets, giving a person the choice to make their own decision. Will they love you in your total being? Completely and pure?  Finding out if it’s time to Stop or Start

Stop …done or completed to hinder or prevent the passing of,

Will we discontinue this relationship?  Has things prevented you from loving? Is the past holding you back? Are you still holding secrets? Is it easy for us to communicate?  Do we know where we’re going in? Time and patience is the key. I get so ready to throw in the towel. But he fights. So I fight. Have you given up on yourself?  Have they given up on you?

At this point we should know or have an idea where we are headed. Please understand there is no time frame. Working on the pace of your relationship only… Getting to know your best friend and growing in the process. Feeling in our relationship that we are stable enough to move forward.  Do they care? Are my needs being met? Are we expressing ourselves as we should, talking with no barriers, open and vulnerable? If not two things…Pause and Reset or Stop

Start… to begin fresh or new

We Got This!  Ready Set Go  Yes you are worth the fight! Yes we shall have battles that we will overcome.  Yes there will be misunderstandings, but I promise I will not let it day go by without expressing to you how much I need and love you.  How much I’m willing to compromise and sacrifice my heart with you. Hoping that you will do the same. We must start to rebuild again not being afraid of being hurt. But trusting in God first and each other. Protecting our relationship and respecting each other, along the way. Understanding that are words hurt.  Even when we’re hurting it is not fair to cut deep. At any time during this process it is okay to press Pause and Reset… Love does not come easy and loving somebody is hard when you feel that you are alone. The most important thing is to let your spouse know that they are not alone. My relationship not perfect… FAR FROM THAT.

I have been with the person that I love for years… the ups and downs, lies, games, the misunderstandings but for some reason I just could not let go. So I got tired of fighting the battle alone…And it was either we’re going to make it work or not. So I had to seek God in the times when I didn’t understand, confused and really didn’t want to.  Asking the Lord to remove this man if he was not for me. I gave it to God and told him in order to find me you must seek him… At first I believe that he did it just to do it. But then he did it because he needed it. Now his soul cries out praise him. Oh come and taste and see that the Lord is good.

I pray on a daily for coverage, I plan to build with this man that I love.   Seeking God and allowing him into our relationship was the best thing. We needed this by lining up ourselves with God everything changed.  You see its simple, once God is in the mix there is no hiding, no secret, no running, so when we are forced 2 look in that mirror we become so willing to press Pause Reset and Start…

When was the last time you had an in-depth conversation with your partner?

 

Sweet Nectar

sweet

I need you to sit in this chair and prepare for your dinner

Don’t worry about a fork, a spoon, but you will need that knife later

Lean back a little baby, let me throw my leg on your shoulder

I will lean in closer allowing you to sample my love

Creamy kisses come down and I wonder how many licks will it take before you devour my peach

Slow, hard, fast, gentle licks Daddy, suck, nibble until I’m screaming for more

Don’t worry the wetter she gets I promise it’s better for you to slip and slide inside your love

But for now quench your thirst on the nectar of life as I satisfy your taste buds