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The beginning starts now

Not sure on how to start I begin by saying yes. Yes to all fears, yes to understanding, and yes to you. I never can find the words, but you know my heart. I am unsure on how I feel, however you know my destiny. I am yours, I see only you in the end I look for you throughout my day, and the first sign of you is when I open my eyes. How faithful you are. I have been wrong in so many ways. Like a puppy with her tail tucked in, you still love me. Crystal clear when you see my sins. When I ask for forgiveness you restore me. I have been ashamed lately and you have sent an Angel to remind me that you welcome me just as I am. How grateful. I pray and hope that I can reconnect with you like never before, my soul cries out praise him. With my whole heart I ask that you find me guilty of anything that has caused me to stray. I humbly need you in my life as I allow the holy spirit to guide my paths, I asked that my heart listens. I need you Lord. I don’t want a relationship based on fear of dying in the flesh however, I want to rest assure that I know you are king of kings, first and last, beginning and end. You are my father alone and if I truly allow you to do what you do, I will walk into what you already have prepared. You are my joy Lord. Give me you as you always do and I promise more to do more than I have. Struggling to Crystal Clear is not easy, help me with my purpose.

 

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1:08am

Crazy…

  I can’t believe this s*** I just dropped to my knees with the question why… couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. My chest is so heavy right now. I knew you since we were little, innocent, and pure. I watched you bury your best-friend your brother. I saw the hurt in your mother’s eyes. It broke my heart when I found out she died trying to find the beauty that was already created inside. I felt your pain all these years it’s been hurting  you , true definition of existing and not living. As we all tried to comfort you . I tossed and I turned so much last night.  I just  could not sleep. If I would have known in that very second that you were leaving Maybe my prayers would have been stronger a little intense and deep. Some say that time heals all wounds… I’m just trying to find the strength to make it through tonight’s thoughts of you…. Rest Jay….

When?

 

When was the last time you had an in-depth conversation with your partner?

Pause, Reset or Stop….

Pause….. Interrupt action or speech…

I had to put a pause on my relationship why because he was not hearing me. I needed more from him more than just, “okay baby, I understand”. I needed him to feel me. So I emotionally detach myself from the relationship. “Sure we can be friends” Yes I will be supportive, but you cannot l know how I personally feel! You are not worthy of any type of emotion other than, “Okay baby I understand “. Question: Do you really care? Because if you did you would cater to my needs, my sensitivity, listening behind my words finding the emotion behind the things I say. Will you change? So many times we make ourselves emotionally available to our spouses, but they do not do the same in return. Just because the love is there you automatically expect for me to do? Expect for me to be here?  Wrong! For me to love you and provide please that s*** is earned! And unfortunately you will not learn that with your passive-aggressive, tone.

So Pause…What I need from you is understanding. I need you to understand that I love you, but I will be respected.  I know respecting me might not come easy for you, therefore I’ll teach you.  Are you willing to learn? Telling your spouse how you feel without being emotional is the first thing in breaking the communication barrier. Let’s get back to the basic things like, Please and Thank you, May I? Would that be okay with you?

Treat Me Like a Stranger!  Have the same compassion in your tone of voice when you speak to them, have that with me. If I’m the love of your life, the Queen of your heart, treat me as such! We are both adults, not children. Even when speaking to a child you must humble yourself to their level. So why don’t you do the same with me? Speak to me and Not at me!  I will allow myself to be vulnerable with you. Secure me and letting me know its okay. Until then we will remain On Pause!

Reset…To set again or anew

Let’s get back to our purpose. What’s our reason? Why are you attracted to me? Why are you in this? Let’s find out why we are together. What’s your goal in life? Can you live without me? Sometimes we have to get back to love. You know that song by Jaheim? Its simple find the reasons. Asking questions like what’s your favorite color, what makes you happy, what is your fear? Might sound silly but it opens the door to the real questions? Is it all worth it? Are you compatible? By pressing the reset button you find out if this is truly what you need. This is our opportunity to hold no secrets, giving a person the choice to make their own decision. Will they love you in your total being? Completely and pure?  Finding out if it’s time to Stop or Start

Stop …done or completed to hinder or prevent the passing of,

Will we discontinue this relationship?  Has things prevented you from loving? Is the past holding you back? Are you still holding secrets? Is it easy for us to communicate?  Do we know where we’re going in? Time and patience is the key. I get so ready to throw in the towel. But he fights. So I fight. Have you given up on yourself?  Have they given up on you?

At this point we should know or have an idea where we are headed. Please understand there is no time frame. Working on the pace of your relationship only… Getting to know your best friend and growing in the process. Feeling in our relationship that we are stable enough to move forward.  Do they care? Are my needs being met? Are we expressing ourselves as we should, talking with no barriers, open and vulnerable? If not two things…Pause and Reset or Stop

Start… to begin fresh or new

We Got This!  Ready Set Go  Yes you are worth the fight! Yes we shall have battles that we will overcome.  Yes there will be misunderstandings, but I promise I will not let it day go by without expressing to you how much I need and love you.  How much I’m willing to compromise and sacrifice my heart with you. Hoping that you will do the same. We must start to rebuild again not being afraid of being hurt. But trusting in God first and each other. Protecting our relationship and respecting each other, along the way. Understanding that are words hurt.  Even when we’re hurting it is not fair to cut deep. At any time during this process it is okay to press Pause and Reset… Love does not come easy and loving somebody is hard when you feel that you are alone. The most important thing is to let your spouse know that they are not alone. My relationship not perfect… FAR FROM THAT.

I have been with the person that I love for years… the ups and downs, lies, games, the misunderstandings but for some reason I just could not let go. So I got tired of fighting the battle alone…And it was either we’re going to make it work or not. So I had to seek God in the times when I didn’t understand, confused and really didn’t want to.  Asking the Lord to remove this man if he was not for me. I gave it to God and told him in order to find me you must seek him… At first I believe that he did it just to do it. But then he did it because he needed it. Now his soul cries out praise him. Oh come and taste and see that the Lord is good.

I pray on a daily for coverage, I plan to build with this man that I love.   Seeking God and allowing him into our relationship was the best thing. We needed this by lining up ourselves with God everything changed.  You see its simple, once God is in the mix there is no hiding, no secret, no running, so when we are forced 2 look in that mirror we become so willing to press Pause Reset and Start…

When was the last time you had an in-depth conversation with your partner?

 

Sweet Nectar

sweet

I need you to sit in this chair and prepare for your dinner

Don’t worry about a fork, a spoon, but you will need that knife later

Lean back a little baby, let me throw my leg on your shoulder

I will lean in closer allowing you to sample my love

Creamy kisses come down and I wonder how many licks will it take before you devour my peach

Slow, hard, fast, gentle licks Daddy, suck, nibble until I’m screaming for more

Don’t worry the wetter she gets I promise it’s better for you to slip and slide inside your love

But for now quench your thirst on the nectar of life as I satisfy your taste buds

 

 

Open

yesl

Untouched, unexplored, unsure of what to look for you took control,

 Embrace me with your masculine hands, so strong yet gentle,

 I am falling in love with you,

Deep emotion, sensitivity, warm sensations, passion and ecstasy,

 I crave your touch

 My heart throbs when you kiss me

 My legs tremble at the touch of your tongue to kiss my breasts

I lose my breath when you look me in my eyes

 I feel safe in your arms, I’m impressed by the things you do, you are my inspiration

 Sending vibrations, amazing zigzags traveling up and down my spine as you explore my ebony body

 I am lifted into a cloud of silence as you begin to enter my gate

 

Sometimes

You Know…

Sometimes I battle with the thoughts of why? What does it all mean? I know we are not to question God. Yet instead take on the challenge and suit up for War… Ok got it. I’m a gentle being created in his image… But let me tell you, I am searching for that beauty. In the mist of it all, Constant reminders of “he will never put more on me than I can bear”. But this right here is heavy. I am not built for this. Yet I’m so built for this. It’s amazing how you can find your strength in the weakest moment.  I must confess this right here is not easy… I barely look deep into my own eyes because it’s my soul that is broken.  I just smile and put on a daily mask. Please don’t get it confused with me being fake in any way. But how do you let your guard down when you are scared of being hurt? Friends are not who they say they are, And family will do us in every time… Yes I know… put your trust not in man, but in the Father… I deeply understand, what happens when the one you love let’s u down? How do you get pass the feeling? Building a wall letting my guard down to those I feel are deserving in fear of showing my true reflection? Lord I am already broken and I can’t afford to be shattered. I’m so full yet so empty. So confused by my day to day… Yet I’m so focused on the future. Help me pick up my crown and walk Lord. I’m so Team us…I forget about me… I matter to right?

 

Summer Rain…

1:29am..

Hot sticky love I crave your humid touch…
Caress me with your Cool Breeze …
My knees buckle at the sound of your thunder …
Your lightning peacefully heals my soul…
Purify Me with every warm tear drop ..
My misty blue overflow my garden with your wisdom..

Nurture me with your knowledge…
Speak to my heart…
I love the way you feel on my skin..
My summer rain..

Restore Me

Lord I’m full. I just had enough, please take away my pain. I humbly ask that you forgive me. I truly need you. Sometimes, well lately Lord I have been broken in every way. You are all knowing and in this I know I will find my strength. I just ask for the Holy Spirit to guide me. Lord you say a righteous man’s footsteps are ordered. Lord I know that I am unworthy. Thank you Jesus for having me in mind. Heal me, help me, take down the Walls, and tend to the scars that have broken it over the years. The difference between being broken is that you can be fixed. Lord I Thank you that you have not allowed Satan to devour and Shatter Me. Every day is a struggle within. I am tried in every way personally, financially most importantly spiritually with you. I am so lost without you, I never want my living to be in vain. I just don’t know how to deal. Restore me, help me find my reason. Give me my purpose allow me not to be in my own understanding. Lord help me not to judge others or be so quick to just say no, when you are the one who always says YES!